That old competitive edge (O2A)

[Jennifer Drew]

It had been a while since “Strawberry Gashes” had been heard on pay per view but everyone seemed pretty happy to hear it back. Jennifer made her usual parade to the ring and waited for the noise to die down a little.

That's right, I'm not dead yet.

I know you would have thought that since I'm not main eventing this show but hey if Miss Congeniality and Lauren “I hope she finds out she's pregnant in the next hour or so gives me her title shot again” Blayze want to roll around and have a match without me then that's fine. But it's been a little too long since Jennifer Drew's been on GCW Pay Per View and I'm looking to get paid tonight. Even though I want to see which one of your Debs walks out of here with that thing it doesn't mean I can't keep myself busy before I grab my seat in the front row get myself a little drink and a hot dog and see who's going to be facing me for it sooner or later.

So which one of you is going to come out here and do the dance with Jenny?

She points to the curtain waiting for someone to come out so that she could break the pose and not look like an idiot much longer.

[Kiss Wilmington]

Soon a woman who also wanted to make her mark in GCW appears, none other than British Playmate, Kiss Wilmington. As usual Kiss makes her way to the ring looking with scorn at everyone. She gets in the ring and stares at Jen, then she is handled a mic

Maybe you should have done that hot dog thingy right from the beginning. I don't want to sound offensive Jenny but your tummy is grossly growing. Unlike my sexy British body that always remain as hot as ever.

I didn't planned a match for myself tonight, but since seeing that there was a opponentless Debutante, I thought "why not? I can kick this loser's ass while I escalate positions in the rankings" And now Jenny before you say that I am a loser, blah blah blah. I should remind you that here right in front of you stands a woman who handed a resounding defeat to none other than Ashley Raimond. Right in front of you stands a woman who has been successful in everything she has done.

And most importantly here stands a woman who will kick your ass tonight and show you how good it is to be at home while the real wrestlers do their business!

And these are my two cents

crowd boos the arrogance of Kiss, but they cheer her catchphrase, which was always a hit Kiss lowers the mic as she waves her hair looking cockily at Jen

[Jennifer Drew]

Wait hang on...

Clearly something Kiss said was bothering her. Jennifer puts her hand on her stomach, leaning back a little and giving the whole thing a thorough inspection.

Hey, you're right! I'm not too worried about it though, I mean I don't really care and it's been like this for years and no one else really seemed to mind. It can't be that bad though since I'm still getting work on television, right? No offense taken at all.

She gives her a big fake smile.

But I'm REALLY glad you showed up, Kiss. This is a dream come true. You see ever since I was really little I've always wanted to beat up a Playboy Playmate. Even one whose spread I wasn't really feeling. I just always imagined them being really stuck up, and obnoxious, and well, kind of asking for it. And now that you've confirmed it I understand just how awesome this is going to be. It's like it's my birthday or something.

Wink.

I'm totally going to snap your “hot British body” in half, just like in my dream. And then I'll work my way onto the magazine's editorial staff and I'll... OK, maybe I'm getting a little carried away on that.

All I know is if I beat you and you beat Ashley and she retains then technically I beat the Debutante Champion....by like a lot. Simple math. You got yourself a match.

[Kiss Wilmington]

Kiss scoffs at Jen as she answers back

Oh come on Jen, I know what you are trying to do, you are painting a picture of how mean the Playmate looks when she messes with the chubby girl and therefor the Playmate deserves nothing but punishment for her evil actions... Fact is, you are jealous, jealous that you are getting fat, old and disgusting, while I remain as sexy as ever.

And how does Miss Drew camouflage her jealousness... Doing the most obvious thing ever, saying she will snap me in half, that she'll beat me up and all that jazz.

Honestly I am tired of hearing the same answers, and Jen if one of your dreams is beating up a woman... You are an ugly, hate-filled, sick person who needs urgent psychological help.

But hey while you are in Nutville you can watch me beating Ashley Raimond again and being the best Debutante Champion in history

Kiss smirks and looks at Jen, Kiss has no respect for her

[Jennifer Drew]

Jennifer remained relaxed as usual even though she was realizing that maybe Kiss was serious about all this.

Wow, I never thought that old line about images in magazines not wanting women to be happy with how they look would never be so literal. And if you think I'm crazy, well you would be too. I wish I could stand here and say my whole vendetta was jealousy, but I can't. I get what you're saying, that things have gotten a little formulaic. That you know what people are going to say before they say it, so allow me to lay a little, plot twist on you. It may well blow your mind.

It almost looks like her eyes are watering but she covers her face and walks around to distract everyone.

You know I really hate that you're making me bring up painful stuff like this, Kiss but, well there's a little more to the story. You see....

A PLAYBOY PLAYMATE KILLED MY FAMILY

Dun, dun duuuuuuuuun.

Yes, Jennifer just did her own sting music.

Yep, killed 'em. Killed 'em all. Said she was doing Hef's unholy will. Yeah, look at you, bet you're feeling a little guilty now. That actually feels better, now instead of the old “snap you in half,” which I'm big enough to admit is a cliche, I can say defeat you and allow their spirits to pass on.




Plus, I want the belt. But I think I already mentioned that.

[Kiss Wilmington]

Kiss rises her sexy eyebrows as she waves her hand at Jennifer Drew, then with the other hand she lifts the mic to her lips and addresses her would-be opponent

Oh Jen! Spare me your school girl sarcasm please! You are just embarrassing yourself further you soppy tart. Rather than trying to be Jennifer Drew Carey, you should be more worried about tonight. Jokes besides I really don't like this Anti-Playmatism that this federation breathes, you all see us as primadonnas with a bigot attitude who are way afraid to fight because they might break their 12$ nails.

And I am no way that!

Kiss then shouts at someone

PENDLETON! COME HERE IMMEDIATELY!

Soon a butler appears carrying a silver plate, Kiss then proceeds to remove all her expensive fake nails and places them on the plate. She then turns at Jen and speaks again

Well I just undressed my sexy fingers, now that Pendleton is here, do you want to handle him your Halloween mask Jenny? Oh wait, that's eventually your face... Sorry sometimes I can't make a difference.

Anyways are you gonna bore me with histories of psycho Playmates hanging, quartering and drawing your family in the gallows of Salisbury? Or are you gonna show me, why I should have you in consideration as a Debutante?

Kiss leans in the ropes as she poses for the fans, she always loved posing no matter heel or face, Kiss always rubbed in your face how sexy she is

[Jennifer Drew]

Oh, so that's how it's going to be, Kiss? Fine! Then I've made my decision.

Jennifer lowers her microphone and seems to be warming up for a fight, but...

I'm going to bore you with how Playmates have tortured my family since the Middle Ages. You know centuries ago nude models had to pose outdoors for etchings, and when they'd die in the cold they'd come back from beyond the grave and hunt my ancestors. This is a very real thing, supported by very real facts that I am telling everyone about now and you should respect it.

So there's your rabid anti-Playmatism. I'm really glad you decided to get rid of those illegal foreign objects you call beauty accesories. Not that they would have saved you. Everyone knows there's no shortcuts when you're in the ring with me. Everyone knows violence is my thing and they know I give everything I have in this ring, that's the difference between us. Do you know why I don't have someone who comes when I call him to wait on me hand and foot? Do you?




Seriously, that wasn't a rhetorical question. Why don't I have a butler? I want one. That butler. Gimme that one. Now.

She nods, crosses her arms and taps her foot waiting for that demand to be satisfied.

[Kiss Wilmington]

Kiss smiles as she points at Pendleton

You want my butler? You want to know how I managed to afford a butler? Working, 5 of my Playboy covers pay Pendleton's payroll.

But hey if you want him, we can make a deal. Let's see since you are sooo convinced that you will beat me and I am sooo convinced that you won't. We can do this.

If it's given the ultra-rare occasion that I lose, then Pendleton can go to Drew County... But if I win, if it's given the occasion that I am a winner and you are what you are right now, a loser. Then I'll have a new maid for a week that will allow Pendleton to go to South Wales on vacation.

This new maid's name is Jennifer Drew, that's what I am betting with you Miss Drew.

If your ancestors were tortured by Playmate spirits, you will be tortured with doing domestic chores for a Playmate. Sorry Jenny but you won't be able to get away of the Drew Family curse

After my victory meet me at backstage so I can give you a list of things that need to be cleaned, and don't consider this to be mean spirited, doing all this chores for a week will bloody hell put you back in shape and reduce this disgusting bunch of meat that's floating over your t-shirt.

So after my bet has been placed, will you start the match or will you tell me another story about a serial killer handling his evil soul to a Playmate who goes on a killing spree? I'm waiting sweetie...

Kiss crosses her arms and waits for an answer.

[Jennifer Drew]

You want to get wacky? Alright, let's get wacky!

You've got yourself a bet. You hear that everyone, I'm going to be one of those classy high society types by the end of the night!

Or I'm going to look really hot in a maid's outfit!

Probably the first one!

Jennifer was now officially way too excited about this.

I'm going to make you hate this as much as I can when I win. He's going to have to iron my paper and listen to my daily rants about who's ruining America afterward. He'll be cleaning bloodstains out of clothes I forgot I even had. He's going to bring me those hot dogs later tonight. That disgusts you doesn't it, Kiss?

But I can already see that all this is way more appealing to him than another week with you. Oh yeah, working with undead hellspawn does that to a person. I can tell we're totally going to bond. And every time we all see each other and you walking down the hallways in the Tower the two of us going to share this look, and we'll start laughing and we're totally not going to tell you the inside joke.

Total Stockholm Syndrome, bank on it. This meat isn't going anywhere but to the main event.

Satisfied, Jennifer lowers the microphone and extends her hand for the shake.

[Kiss Wilmington]

Because and just because I am a lady I'll shake your hand, Drew.

Kiss shakes Jennifer's hand, however she doesn't hide the disgust it produces her doing that.

And you don't really need to do anything, I am already hating this, I am already hating that my big mouth could.... Oh ha ha ha, who I am pretending to fool? Everyone knows I did the right thing, not only I keep my butler, but I get a maid as well.

Stop fantasizing about what you'd do if you got Pendleton's services, because they are just mere fantasies. Fact is that tomorrow at this very time you'll be cleaning all my BBC comedy DVDs!!!

Kiss laughs and gets face to face with Jennifer, you could see sparks in her eyes, she really wanted to defeat her

[Jennifer Drew]

No way! This guy's going to be describing all the funny parts on Fawlty Towers to me. And driving me to bars. And helping me out on all my adventures. You can't just tell me to stop fantasizing, the shackles on my mind that led me to years of butler-free thinking have been loosed. I'm going to go backstage and keep coming up with these ideas to spite you.

And so she does, leaving kiss and her soon to be help in the ring as she mutters her ideas on the way.